This is not my ceiling
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Shame - the story of my life.
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