i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
