Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
