I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
