im six kinds of drunk right now
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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