between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
