Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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