I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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