don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
