ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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