I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
