I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
