Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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