Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
