if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
