i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
