I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
