If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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