She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
