We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
