CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
