Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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