so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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