Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I pour the whiskey from now on
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize