I accidentally had phone sex last night
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
