I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
