Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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