Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
