i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
