Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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