Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
