true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
