booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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