This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
