yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
