Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
