i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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