I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
