I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
