I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
