Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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