Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
