My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
