eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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