I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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