The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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