Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
