I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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