I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
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he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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