I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
4 words: hood of his car
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
