I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
