shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
