4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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