my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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