We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My liver just had a heart attack.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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