I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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